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This is it. The best classified ad looking for a member of a band.

From The Best of Craiglist

Guitarist for Metal Band

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Date: 2012-02-28, 1:29PM CST

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What I am currently listening to: All Shall Perish, As I Lay Dying, All That Remains, Chimera, Lamb of God
What I am into: Old Metallica, Slayer, Obituary, Death, etc
What I am NOT into: Total shit like Dance Gavin Dance, Like Moths to Flames, any kind of piss-poor, sloppy guitar and whiny “my vag is so sensitive to sand” vocals.

** READ THIS ** Take a few seconds and read what I am into. Now imagine you contacting me and eventually calling me, and asking if I would like to play some blues. Or some 60s Rock. Or some Stone Temple Pilots. Or some Nickleback. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, AUSTIN? NO! The title says “Guitarist for Metal Band”, not “Guitarist for chicken fucking, bluesy-riffs, and sonic diarrhea”.

About me:

1. I prefer older musicians. I am 31, prefer people my age or older. Sorry kids.

2. I work, live, and get in trouble in N Austin area. Unless you have lined up clean Asian whores for after practice, I am NOT driving to Music Lab. I am not driving farther South than Parmer. Period.

3. NOT looking to make this a career. I want to make bad ass music, play out a couple times a month, possibly smoke weed, and fuck Metal chicks. That is all.

4. Please be able to play your instrument. You know what, I should not even have to write this shit here, but fuck me … this is Austin, so I seriously have to spell this shit out:
* You know how to palm mute and use this skill.
* You have enough gear to be heard over the drums.
* You write your own music that consists of more than an open note speed picked with occasional staccato bullshit slapped on.
* If you play blues, chicken-pick, own or play a Fender, tune to some ridiculous key or schema to hide your shitty skill level, or think that smelling and looking dirty makes you a musician… DO NOT CONTACT ME.
* If you feel that for ANY REASON mommy will not let you out to play, do not contact me.

5. I own a full stack, couple effects (DISTORTION, MOTHER FUCKERS!), several guitars, Zoom H4 if we need to record a practice, and some other shit. You know, the basic stuff to meet up and play some Metal.

6. The last band I was in, the other guys were usually drunk by the end of the 2nd song. THIS IS FUCKING STUPID! You know what their shit sounded like? Four drunk clowns murdering their instruments, and one guy trying to figure out how the fucking song was supposed to be played that day. Not a good time. Please keep your alcoholism and Heroin / Crack addiction to a minimum while we practice.

I am looking for some musicians around my age who like more technical sounding Metal, around my area, who are serious about putting some songs together and playing out a bit. Please have something I can listen to so I have an idea of what you are wanting to do.

If you are another guitarist who just wants to and see if we can put some songs together, I can do that, too. Maybe we can write our shit and then try and find the other guys.

AUSTIN! You have, per capita, the highest “Fuckwit to Musician” ratio on the planet. Why so many flakes? Ninty-Five percent of you weak cow-fuckers cancel because you need to wash your skinny jeans and polish your fake glasses. You idiots are not interested in making music, please don’t waste my time and yours with your bullshit and excuses. Thanks.

Against all odds, I hope to find some decent Metal Musicians to hook up with and jam. Keep your fingers crossed.

•Location: N, RR, Georgetown
•it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2875664657

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