51 of the best Noel Gallagher quotes…and one ‘fookin’ amazing’ video interview for his 51st birthday today

Noel Gallagher

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Happy 51st Birthday to Noel Gallagher, easily one of the great guitarists of our time, and one of the funniest people on the planet. I’ll celebrate his day with 51 of his best quotes, and one of the classic interviews: Here is his firing back at the media after they slammed him for his comments over Jay-Z playing Glastonbury in 2008:

On being a roadie: “I look back on those days as some of the best of my life. No photographs, no interviews. Just get up in the morning, make sure the gear works, do the gig and then fucking party.”

On NME: “If you see an NME journalist at any of the gigs, and let’s face it, they’re pretty easy to spot, they don’t stray far from hospitality, wear God-awful clothes – particularly the shoes – got dreadful hair and that kind of “mug me” look about them, , give ’em a clip round the earhole from me and tell ’em to behave.”

On learning Westlife had beaten Oasis, U2 and The Beatles in an album chart battle in November 2006: “There is no God.”

“We are the biggest band in Britain of all time, ever. The funny thing is, that fucking mouthing off three years ago about how we were gonna be the biggest band in the world, we actually went and done it.”

“So, you know, I feel bad for the girls. The sisters are not doing it for themselves.”

“People think [I’m] controversial for the answers [I] give to silly questions in interviews, but if somebody asks me what I think about Live 8 or Robbie Williams or Madonna, I’m not thinking about insulting those people; I say what I genuinely feel is in my heart. My conscience is clean, d’you know what I mean? Y’know, I’m true to myself — fuck everybody else.”

Liam Gallagher:“We’re the best band in England”
Noel Gallagher: “We’re the best band in the World”

On Liam: “He is Abbott to my Costello, he is Cannon to my Ball, he is Little to my Large.”

Dani Behr: “Do you [and Liam] still have physical fights?”
Noel: “No. The last time was in March or May and we haven’t done since because…”
Dani Behr: “Who won?”
Noel: “I did. He claims it’s because he was drunk, but I claimed I had won because I had a cricket bat in my hand.”

Noel On Liam’s Birthday:
Tim from Soccer AM: “It was Liam’s birthday the other day weren’t it?”
Noel: “It was.”
Tim: “What did you get him?”
Noel:” (laughs) Nothing, we’re not girls, Tim.”

On health: “Why would you check into a hospital to pay somebody four grand an hour to tell you things that, really, you should already know bout yourself? If any of you are watching… give me the money, I’ll sort it out for you!”

“All I ever wanted to do was make a record. Here’s what you do: you pick up your guitar, you rip a few people’s tunes off, you swap them round a bit, get your brother in the band, punch his head in every now and again, and it sells. I’m a lucky bastard. I’m probably the single most lucky man in the world — apart from our Liam.”

“Rock ‘n’ Roll is about music. Music. Music. Music. It’s not about you, it’s not about me, it’s not about Oasis. It’s about the tunes.”

Frank Skinner: “You’re probably one of the most down to earth rock stars I know… but you do wear shades when the sun’s not shining?”
Noel: “Well it’s in the manual isn’t it. It actually says in the rock star book ‘Thou shalt wear shades at all times, preferably indoors'”

“I wish Blur were dead, John Lennon was alive and The Beatles would reform.”

“I spent 20 years in a band making records by committee. I’m fucked if I’m going to do that now. I think Oasis was at its best when I was solely in charge, anyway.”

“Phil Collins knows he can’t say anything about me because I’m the fucking bollocks and that’s the thing that does his head in, and the fact that he’s bald.”

“Traditionally speaking, the three biggest twats in any band are the singer, the keyboardist and the drummer. I don’t need to say anything else.”

“Do you ever look at the sky and think, I’m glad I’m alive? After I heard Sum 41, I thought, I’m actually alive to hear the shittiest band of all time. Which is quite something when you think about it. Of all the bands that have gone before and all the bands that’ll be in the future, I was around when the worst was around.”

On George Harrison describing Oasis as “a passing fad”: “George was always the ‘Quiet Beatle’, maybe he should keep that up.”

“I had built for me a customized 1967 Mark II Jaguar convertible at a cost of £110,000, and I haven’t got a driving license. It’s useless to me.”

“You want to sell 5,000 limited-edition red vinyl seven-inches, that’s fine. Make music for a closet full of people in Bradford somewhere … but it doesn’t mean anything to anyone. Phil Collins has got to be chased out of the charts, and Wet Wet Wet. It’s the only way to do it, man, to fucking get in there among them and stamp the fuckers out.”

“They’ve been saying it for 30 years, ever since The Beatles split up, you know, that rock’n’roll’s dead. When ever there’s a boom there’s always a bit of a lull afterwards. I suppose that avant-garde punk rock will come back for a while, and it will all be shit again, and then guitar music will come back.”

“I wish we’d let ‘(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?’ settle and go away. It was still Number 5 in the Billboard 100 when we started making ‘Be Here Now’. I wish someone who’s paid to be bright and clever had told us to go away and do a bit of living.”

On playing guitar: “It’s a human playing a tree. Three chords on a guitar: now write a song. I only know 11! But I tell you what, God help you when i find the 12th!”

“If there were gold medals for taking drugs for England I would have won a shitload.”

“Writing songs, that’s what gets me going. Not the drugs or the sex or the rock’n’roll behaviour, it’s the music.”

“I feel sorry for Keane. No matter how hard they try they’ll always be squares. Even if one of them started injecting heroin into onto his cock people would go ‘Yeah but your dad was a vicar, good night’.”

“I’m not giving my records away for free. If nobody fuckin’ buys them then… They’re not going out for free.”

On Liam: “He’s rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup.”

On Liam, again: “I read these interviews with him and I don’t know who the guy is who’s in these interviews, he seems really cool, because the guy I’ve been in a band with for the last 18 years is a fucking knobhead.”

On credibility: “Jack White has just done a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts. He’s supposed to be the poster boy for the alternative way of thinking… I’m not having that, that’s fucking wrong. Particularly Coca-Cola, it’s like doing a fucking gig for McDonald’s.”

“I’m not like John Lennon, who thought he was the great Almighty. I just think I’m John Lennon.”

“If I ever get to go to the moon, I’ll probably just stand on the moon and go ‘Hmmm, yeah…fair enough…gotta go home now.”

“I’m equal part genius, equal part buffoon.”

“I’m embarrassed when I see Brits abroad; they have their tops off, wear flip flops, and shout at the top of their voices.”

On drugs: “I still tell people that the ‘Be Here Now’ album is the best advertisement against taking cocaine. It goes on too long, it’s smothered by its self of self-importance – the same as coke users are.”

On Live8: “I’m not sure about this Live8 thing. Correct me if I am wrong, but are they hoping that one of these guys from the G8 is on a quick 15-minute break at Gleneagles and sees Annie Lennox singing ‘Sweet Dreams’ and thinks, ‘Fuck me, she might have a point there, you know.’ It’s not going to fucking happen, is it?”

On lyrics: “I write the first line and the end word, ‘Supersonic’, it’s like, ‘Well, what rhymes with that?’ And you start off with ‘A’ and you go, ‘Atomic. Bionic.’ Then you go…’Gin & Tonic. Alright, that’ll do.’ It’s no big deal. You just write it down, and people go ‘Wow! Feeling Supersonic…Give me Gin and Tonic. Wow!’ Basically, cos it rhymes.”

“We’re not arrogant, we just believe we’re the best band in the world.”

“I went to Paul McCartney’s daughter Stella’s party and who should open the door but the man himself. He was dead cool. There were all these questions I wanted to ask him but I settled on, ‘Do you watch Brookside?'”

“Someone was playing a joke when they made me, you know, ‘Let’s make this guy a writer and a guitar player, but let’s make him write with his left hand but play with his right, and let’s have him born in the middle of May and give him a Christmas name like Noel, and let’s make him a dodgy, schizophrenic, two-faced Gemini.’ Cheers!”

“Liam’s leaving the band this very minute. Liam’s ALWAYS leaving the band. It’s raining today so he’s leaving the band ‘cos it’s raining. [Imitating mithering brother] Why is it raining?&*#@!That’s it!I’ve had enough of this, I’m going!I’m sitting there saying [cheerfully] See you then, bye! He threatened to leave in Minneapolis because I wouldn’t go to a pub with him!”

“I’ve got a bit of a headache, a bit of a lump gathering over my eye but if I have another 75 cigarettes and a couple of bottles of gin I’ll be all right. I might go to sleep tonight.”

“I can’t walk straight, let alone drive a car.”

“Liam got a Rolex. I got a Rolls Royce. Which is brilliant, cos I can’t drive and Liam can’t tell the time.”

“Sure I love Liam, but not as much as I love Pot Noodles.”

“Americans are crazy. They have this fascination with throwing their shoes on stage. I’ve been to a lot of shows in me life, some good and some bad. But I was never moved to take off me shoes and throw it at the lead singer.”

“This guy came up to me from some band and he said that ‘Man, I’d hate to be you right now, no privacy at all’ and I was thinking, ‘Sure thing man, I have a fucking Rolls Royce, a million dollars in the bank, a fucking mansion and my own jet and you think you’d feel sorry for me? What are you? I’d hate to be you, broke as hell living in the dole.'”

“I’ve never understood musicians who don’t enjoy doing promotional interviews. I just can’t believe it. I always think, ‘Your life must have been so brilliant before you were in a band.'”

“I don’t stay up for two or three days on end, fuckin’ talking shit about aliens, but I’m becoming more of a belligerent old man, you know what I mean? It’s the usual. When you get to a certain age you find that other people’s opinions don’t really matter anymore, and you get kind of uncomfortable with your place in modern life.”

On playing guitar: “It’s a human playing a tree. Three chords on a guitar: now write a song. I only know 11! But I tell you what, God help you when i find the 12th!”