ALL OF THIS LOT FOR A START.
Where was I?
A SPARKLING DW DRUM KIT (not black please)
Note to our American brethren: A metre is about 3 feet 3 inches.
Oi Oi, that’s yer lot.
We need: one (1) monitor man who speaks good English and is not afraid of death.
|Mix 3 – Sidefill Stage Right||Mix 4 – Sidefill Stage left|
|KICK DRUM||KICK DRUM|
|SNARE BOTTOM||SNARE BOTTOM|
|GUITAR..clear and bright, like the sound
of jackboots on wet cobblestones,
Warm, but not humid.
|on a beautiful spring morning in 1932,
just before it all went a bit sour…
|…Like Cali !!!|
For the sidefills, can we have two great big huge enormous things please, of a type that might be venerated as gods by the inhabitants of Easter Island, capable of reaching volumes that would make Beelzebub soil his underpants, and driven by amplifiers that could provide the power for a Monster Truck Rally. With dinosaur drivers.
They should be as far downstage as possible, and only 12 – 14 feet [4-5 meters (metres)] from center (centre) stage.
Mix 5 – Guitar wedge
[I know it’s always bottom. I’m obsessed with bottoms. I make no apology for that.]
This is all Ron wants in his wedge. Good, innit?
Mix 6 – Bass guitar wedge
Lots of SNARE BOTTOM
Lots of IGGY VOCAL
Oh, and during the show, could you just catch his eye
and mouth the words “I love you”?
Mix 7 – Drumfill
SNARE BOTTOM (Phase reversed)
VOCAL (Just a little)
BASS D.I. (Just a little)
We would like to have a jolly big drumfill on his left side, with the horns pointing roughly straight down his ear canal; And when I say drumfill, of course, what I mean is a big, powerful bugger; dormant volcano, ever waiting to erupt into streams of audio lava.
Not something that has a label on it saying “Karaoke in your own home, 15 watts per channel max”.
Mix 8 – Saxophone Wedge
Wedge Suitability Guide
Here are several quick ways to find out if the wedges you are using are NOT really very suitable for a Stooges concert.
1). They were removed from the parcel shelf of a 1974 Ford Cortina..
2.) When you look underneath, it says “©The Disney Corporation – collect all 5 from BURGER KING™
3.) They can be lifted above head height – easily – by your wife.
5.) That’s it!
(A kind of satellite navigator for the monitors. I made it up myself, so let’s call it “Twat-Nav”).
Here is a useful, I hope, guide to doing monitors for Iggy and the Stooges.
Right, my voice is what we doctors call “not very loud,” and it’s quite thin as well. I’ve seen fatter supermodels.
And here’s another thing. you might be anble to help me with. Why is it that lighting men switch the strobes on for ages, while everybody is trying to work, and when you ask why, they say they are “testing them”?
STAGE PLAN AND INPUT LIST
On the next pages you will find a stage plan and channel list. Isn’t it exciting? I bet you’re glad you decided on a career in the music business now…
Before we have a look at the stage plan, can I just say that we like to keep it as clear as possible, especially at the front.
This means all cables for the downstage wedges etc must be run off the front in the pit, not accross the front of the stage.
My insurance doesn’t cover me for allowing rockstars to fall off the front of the stage.
No lighting or monitor cables, no power cables, no toy robots, no television evangelists, no television cameramen, no substances related to the manufacture of creosote, no plastic seahorses, no bailiwicks, no crepescules, no kooks and especially NO CAMERAMEN.
This way Iggy can run around in his customary manner like a crazed running around-type-thing and we can all relax in a haze of self-satisfied panic.
Good isn’t it? I could have been a draughtsman, but we was poor in them days, and what with the war still going on, and the bubonic plague, we had to give up on even the simplest of pleasures. My toy tank was sent of to the Weapons Department, melted down, and made into a real tank. I still miss sitting inside it, firing shells at the neighbours’ chimneypots, and machine-gunning cats.
Input List and Front of House Requirements
*Please note that this document is officially not funny,
FRONT OF HOUSE
Prefered front of house system is d&b or JBL Vertec, and lots and lots of it. Preferred front of house consoles are Midas XL4, Heritage H3000, XL3 or Soundcraft Series 5. In that order. DEFINITELY NO YAMAHAS & DEFINITELY NO DIGITAL CONSOLES.
There should be graphic equalizers across the system.
When we arrive, if there is either a YAMAHA or DIGITAL CONSOLE of any manufacure located on front of house island, I will chop it into a hundred pieces, and each of those pieces I will chop into a hundred pieces… so that’s like, er… tenty hundred? Anyway, then I will douse them in petrol and burn them. In accordance with local and national guidelines on the burning of bits of shit mixer, of course.
SO DON’T DO IT. I’m like a big nasty man if I get upset…
On a lighter note –
Any audio questions please contact Rik Hart
Do it now!!
[This was written by someone who doesn’t really know what he’s talking about. I cannot tell a lie. Lights-wisely speaking, I’m an absolute arse-head. But I know what I like.
We do not have a lighting designer, or lighting person of any kind.
I can promise you that our singer (Iggy Pop, by the way) will make it look like all your lights are attempting to jump off the front of the stage like a gang of par 64 lemmings. He’ll be all over the place, like a mad woman’s shit, so you don’t have worry about moving lights.
Thanks for caring
Filming – a TV Eye view of the world.
Hello everybody. This is a short message to TV companies, Video makers, Photographers and Media Types in general.
Fly-on-the-wall, lovey, think fly-on-the-wall. It’s just a gig. Nobody’s going to get an Oscar for Best Camerawork. And that’s it, really.
By the way, I wonder if anyone”in media knows why certain cameramen think it/s innovative and exciting to be constantly moving the camera whilst filming, swinging it up in the air, running around with it swaying from side to side in great big arcs, or even worse, going wide/tele/wide/tele/wide/tele in a pathetic attempt to keep in time with the music?
Parking and Security
We will require the use of two dedicated and intensely loyal security persons to be stationed at the entrance to each of the two dressing rooms. Or do I mean one at each? Otherwise that would be four, and I think we only need two, one at each door. Wait a minute, let’s start again.
Artist parking area passes will be required for 5 cars. No tour bus parking is required – although some of those American limos are as long as a tour bus… And that one that Madonna rides around in has a lap dancer in it! Can you believe that?!?!? I wonder how that affects the insurance premium?
First of all, can I say what a pleasure it will be to work with you all. Probably.
Secondly, and rather more importantly, I will be working for the Stooges on the day of the show. I personally do not drink alcohol, I don’t like soft drinks, I am rather too fat to be allowed near chocolate and cakes, and I get paid enough to buy my own drugs and dinner. So I would like you to donate, say, 50 U. S. Dollars to a local homeless charity in lieu of the stuff I could possibly have consumed.
It’s not much I know, but it’s better than nothing…
Oh, and I’ll need a receipt.
A BUNCH OF CATERING RIDER-TYPE STUFF
Hello. This is a list of stuff we need for the day of our show. It’s not too complicated, but if you’ve got any problems, talk to us and we’ll resolve them. I think you’ll find we’re very reasonable people. Except me.
r Can we have strong coffee & tea with milk, sugar, spoons, etc. all day? You can provide a kettle or a coffee machine if you like, otherwise i’m sure there’s a starbucks in your area. If there isn’t, this is God telling you to open one. ……. Oh, and some cups.
We need two dressing rooms to be made available for our sole use, viz.
You know what would be really nice? If you could make this room look less like a typical rock & roll dressing room and more sort of…. Interesting? Are you with me? Just let someone loose with a little bit of artistic flair… Er, do you know any homosexuals? And am I allowed to say that? Probably not.
It should contain:
See? Not all that bad, is it?
Dressing Room Two for The Stooges
r 3 cases x 12oz bottles of still mineral water. Good quality. Doesn’t have to be French, though.
Nearly finished now. I think I could do with a rest. I’ve been on me feet all day. Really! Somebody stole all the chairs out of the office. Bastards.
r Some crackers And maybe some dips. Hummus and taramasalata. Today the world, tamarasalata. Nuts. Assorted nibbly things.
I think that’s about it.
Dead Dog Island
By the way, if there are any Reality TV executives reading this – hardly likely, I know, but – here is my idea for a Reality TV show.
This all would take place on some romantic tropical island somewhere, so it would all be very visual and make really super telly.
Oh, and no sicking it all up into a bucket every night when the cameraman goes to bed. That would be frowned upon…